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Monday, August 31, 2009
A young blonde woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells cond*ms. He replies, "Yes we do. What size would you like?"
The blonde responds, "Oh, just mix them up, I am not going steady with anyone right now ."
(Note: Hi,all!! Sorry for not being regular lately. From now on,I'll post more regularly, and, even solo jokes, as and when I read them. This way, I'll be more regular)
Posted at 10:39 am by thezoomerang
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Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Red Riding Hood: A Russian c*ndom.
I got up at halftime and went into the bathroom to make room for some
more beer. When I came out my wife said, "Did you wash your hands?" I
said, "No. Why make such a big deal about it?" "Well, you went to the
bathroom, your hands are dirty," she complained, "Go back and wash
them!" "I don't know what you're complaining about, I didn? t touch
anything in there you haven't had in your mouth!" I slept on the couch
that night.
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband
called home to tell me he would be late again. He went on to say that
dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they
had to discipline the whole squad. I launched into a tirade, arguing
that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous
post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something
trivial. My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained,
"Honey, dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been
cleaned."
Harry had been waiting entirely too long at the doctor's office. His
appointment was for 9:00 and it was nearly 10:30. Finally, an
attractive nurse appeared at the waiting room door and said, "Let's go
get a room." "Honey, I appreciate the offer," he said, "but I've been
waiting so long I'd hate to lose my spot now!"
A young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date and is given some
word of advise and warning by her mother; "Look darling, they all want
the same, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him
1) kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel,
2) or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can shatter, and
3) never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a
"GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it."
The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety, and Mom waits and waits until just
after midnight when she's back.
"How was it?" asks mom. "Oh mom, it was absolutely fantastic, and I think I'm in love!" "Lets not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?"
"Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely careful not to hurt or harm
me!"
"What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?"
"Not exactly mom, see it was like that. First he wanted to kiss me and I
told him what you said, and he stopped. Then he went to touch my
br*ast and again I told him what you said, and he stopped. Then he
slowly went under my skirt close to the private part, and I told him
what you said, and he then took his hands out and said; "What a
coincidence, I happen to have a nice piece of "Fillet" and would love
to put it in your "Grill" to cook!!"
"WHAT?!?" screams the mother, "I knew that bast*rd is no different to the others. You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?" "Well, not really mom. You see, he
promised to be careful and was very careful not to "burn" his fillet. Every now and then he took it out and had me "taste it" to see if it was cooked or not."
Pf*zer Corp. announced today that VI*GRA will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call
this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of
"cocktails," "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink."
Till next time,keep LOLling.
Posted at 02:24 pm by thezoomerang
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Thursday, August 13, 2009
A man gets his new prescription for V*agra, and starts home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and she says, "I'll be home in an hour." "Perfect," he thinks. The Doctor told him to take his V*agra an hour before, so he takes the V*agra and waits.
Well, an hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife. She calls him on the cell phone and says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour." The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "I've got a hard-on a cat couldn't scratch off and my wife won't be home for another hour! What should I do?" he asks. The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied. "Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor. The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need V*agra with the housekeeper!"
Till next time,keep LOLling
Posted at 07:38 am by thezoomerang
Friday, July 31, 2009
Eddie's trying to do it with his new girl friend. He says, "Come on, dear, I'll only put it in half way." She finally agrees, and the first thing he does is shove it all the way in her. She starts liking it, and she says, "Forget your promise, give it all to me..." Eddie says, "Umm... no. Nope, a bargain is a bargain."
To truly love another, you must first love yourself. Also, it will make you last longer.
I walked in on the wife the other day struggling with the ironing board. She usually keeps it folded up and out of the way behind the laundry room door, and then pulls it out on the rare occasion something actually needs ironing, like one of my dress shirts or a blouse she's planning on wearing. She was pulling and yanking on the
thing when she saw me and declared, "You need to go out and buy me new ironing board. It's almost impossible to get this thing's legs open." "Now you know what I have to deal with," I responded.
99 percent of girls have a bigger left br*ast because 99 percent of guys are right handed.
A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?" The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit wh*re." "Yeah," says the bartender. "What did she do?" "She hit me with her bag of quarters!"
Absent-minded is hardly the word for the pretty secretary who left her clothes at the office and took her boss to the cleaner.
Pretty soon, the little ones start asking questions: Embarrassing ones at that! I remember when my kids asked me, "Where do babies come from." I try not to lie to them! I told them the straight facts: "Carelessness, . . . pure carelessness!!
A dude moved out to Idaho from back east. After a couple weeks he got so ho*ny he honked. He asked me what he could do about his condition. I told him to go down to the Indian reservation and grab himself a squaw. He asked how to recognize a squaw. I told him she would have a long braid down her back and be wrapped in a blanket. The next morning, a chilly day by the way, he dutifully proceeded to the reservation. He spied an Indian sitting out in front of a tepee. When he grabbed the Indian the Indian shouted, "Me buck, me buck!" The dude
replied, "Go ahead and buck you sonofabi*ch. I can ride anything with hair on it."
Doug married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce." "Well, your honor," Doug started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake." "Surely
there must be some difference between the two women." the judge said.
"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor. That's why I
want the divorce." he replied.
A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from prem*ture ejaculation. The doctors said it was touch and go.
One guy is very upset and yells at his friend, "You slept with my wife, you son of a bitch. I am gonna make you pay for what you did." "Bullshit," replies the other one, "why should I pay twice."
Till next time,keep LOLling.
Posted at 05:57 am by thezoomerang
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Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Laughter the best medicine
If the skirts got any shorter" said the typist with a blush.
"There'd be two more lips to powder and lots more hair to brush."
(Bob Hope)
A passionate kiss is like a spider web. It leads to the undoing of the fly.
A fat man is in the bathroom taking a piss, he complains I am so fat I can't see my dick. Guy next to him says "Why don't you diet?" He replies, "Why, what color is it this time?"
Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite s*x positions: One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one", says the other cowboy, "what is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours, and you mount her from behind, and you reach around and cup each one of her bre*sts in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's" and then you try to
hold on for 8 seconds."
Till next time,keep snickering.
Posted at 07:20 am by thezoomerang
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Saturday, July 18, 2009
Johnny says, "Hey Dad! What are you doing?" His father answers, "I'm filling your mother's tank." Johnny then says,"Oh, yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets better mileage. The milkman filled her this morning."
Confucius Says, "If you don't believe in oral s*x, keep your mouth shut."
A priest and a nun come out of a parish meeting late at night and the father says to the nun, "Sister, would you mind if I walked you to you door?" She answered, "OK but just this once." They walked quietly the her building and the father said, "Sister, would you mind if I kissed you on the cheek? And the nun answered, "Okay, as long as you don't get into the habit.
Confucius Says, "Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs."
A girl was telling her date about her old boyfriend, and while doing so was stroking her beer bottle up and down many times. Finally her date has had enough and says, " You're always thinking about him. Why don't you think about me once in a while?" "OK!" she says and starts stroking the top two inches of her bottle.
Bowlers do it with three fingers
Renault & Ford are working together to build a small car. They are using the Renault "Clio" & the Ford "Taurus" as a basis for the new zippy little car, "The Clitaurus".
The small bumps around a woman's nip*les is Braille for "Suck here. "
Little Johnny was talking to a friend, complaining about his Mom. He
said "My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going
through her mental pause."
Three ladies all have separate boyfriends named Leroy. One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy." The other two ladies agree. The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Leroy 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it's
always up!" The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives. Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week." Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives. The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroys were good, but I'm gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels." The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop. That's a hard liquor!"
The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy!"
Opinion is like an ass hole, everyone has one."
Till next time,keep LOLling.
Posted at 08:55 am by thezoomerang
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Thursday, July 16, 2009
Hi,all...there's a whole collection of jokes, just waiting...:)So,keep a watch here...for starters,how's this for a punny appetizer?
A man named Jed had a job which subjected him to random drug and alcohol checks. One day his number is drawn, and after his test, the technician notified him that he tested positive for drugs.
Jed adamantly denied taking any illegal drugs recently, so he was sent for an interview with the company doctor.
During his interview, the doctor asked him to account for his activity the previous night.
Jed admitted to the doctor that he stopped off at the local bar after a ball game with his teammates.
He told the doctor that gradually, one by one, the other ballplayers left until it was only himself and a woman in the bar.
He told the doctor that since he was by himself, he sat with her and bought her a drink, and pretty soon, she asked him for a ride home.
The doctor asked, "Then what happened?"
Jed told him that as soon as they got in the car, the woman became quite amorous, and she performed oral s*x on him, and then asked him to perform on her.
"Don't tell me that you did it," said the doctor.
"Sure I did," answered Jed. "Why, what's the matter?"
"Well," said the doctor, "that's why you tested positive. That was a bar bitch you ate!"
Posted at 08:09 am by thezoomerang
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Sunday, June 28, 2009
Viag*a Lite: For people who only want to masturbate.
A guy found a magic lamp and naturally, rubbed it. The genie popped
out and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want." The guy thought and
thought and finally gave his answer. "I want to be hard all the time
and get all the a*s I want." "As you wish," the genie replied. So, the
genie turned him into a toilet seat.
An Australian kis* is the same as a French kis*, but "down under."
A guy is put before the judge's bench because he is on trial for
paying a prost*tute for s*x. "How do you plead?" asks the judge, to
the defendant. "Not Guilty, your honor." Showing him a videotape of
the alleged act, the prosecutor responds, "How can you possibly
convince the court of your innocence, if we have both the s*x act,
plus your subsequent payment to the alleged prost*tute right here on
tape?" "Easy," says the defendant, "I'll admit to the court that
although I wasn't engaged in an act of prost*tution, I was committing
another 'heinous' crime ... gambling." "Gambling?" responds the
prosecutor. "How so?" "Well you see," answers the defendant, "I went
up to the young lady earlier that night as she was working in a
toples* bar and said to her, 'I'll bet you $200 that you don't get to
have s*x with me tonight'. That videotape is just footage of me losing
the bet!"
There are three stages of s*x in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly,
and Try Weakly.
Till next time,keep LOLLing.
Posted at 07:36 am by thezoomerang
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Wednesday, June 03, 2009
This is the tale of woe of a small boy named Lou
Sitting in a crowded church with his family, who
Turned to his father, Bart,
And whispered, "Dad, I've got to fart!"
Said Bart, "If you do, you must sit in your own pew." What's better than seeing a woman wrestle?
Seeing her box. A man named Jed had a job which subjected him to random drug and alcohol checks. One day his number is drawn, and after his test, the technician notified him that he tested positive for drugs. Jed adamantly denied taking any illegal drugs recently, so he was sent for an interview with the company doctor. During his interview, the doctor asked him to account for his activity the previous night. Jed admitted to the doctor that he stopped off at the local bar after a ball game with his teammates. He told the doctor that gradually, one by one, the other ballplayers left until it was only himself and a woman in the bar. He told the doctor that since he was by himself, he sat with her and bought her a drink, and pretty soon, she asked him for a ride home. The doctor asked, "Then what happened?" Jed told him that as
soon as they got in the car, the woman became quite amorous, and she
performed oral sex on him, and then asked him to perform on her. "Don't tell me that you did it," said the doctor. "Sure I did," answered Jed "Why, what's the matter?" "Well, said the doctor, that's why you tested positive. That was a bar bitch you ate." Everyone wants to work at the impotency clinic because it's a soft job. Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, Boy, business stinks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my ass." Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language. "That's okay," the blonde replied, "I can relate; if I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my car." In Thailand, when a male reaches the age of 18 they are invited to participate in a ceremony of passage to adulthood, which is celebrated in the center of the village, surrounding the central fire and attended by the all the natives in residence, and accompanied by considerable consumption of food an drink amid singing, dancing and all manner of joyous festivities. At the appointed time the native boys that are reaching maturity are formed into a large circle around the fire and stand there motionless and stark na*ed facing inward towards the fire. Then, accompanied by a haunting musical rendition of native music, the most beautiful girl in the village is honored to perform a sexy dance, na*ed, around the inner center circle. Behind
each boy is a na*ed native girl that he cannot see.. As soon as all the males are excited and have erecti*ns, the girls behind them reach between their legs, and pull their erect unit downward and back through and then on a signal all release them. Their units spring back up and go loudly "WHAP" against their bellies. This is considered measurement of their strength and of youthful masculinity. And that's
why the capital of Thailand is called Bangkok. A dirty & ugly old man walks up to this voluptuously beautiful woman and says: "Would you sleep with me for 1 million dollars?" "For 1 MILLION dollars, of course I would." "Would you sleep with me for 5 dollars?" "For 5 DOLLARS, What kind of girl do you take me for?" "We already established what kind of girl you are, I'm just negotiating." If Jack helped you off a horse, would you help jack off a horse? Till next time, keep LOLling.
Posted at 02:27 pm by thezoomerang
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Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Rules of Play
Each player shall provide his own equipment - normally one club and two balls. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
For the most effective play, the club owner should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in denied permission to play the course again.
It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
Players are encouraged not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be
embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play at this time. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace,at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.. It is considered outstanding performance,time permitting, to play the same course several times in one day.
Posted at 01:35 pm by thezoomerang
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