"Great, just what I need," she moaned as her husband brought home a new microwave oven. "One more thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds."

Little Johnny asks: "Daddy, how was I born?" Ol' Dad says, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on AOL. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom, and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little popup appeared and said: . . .. 'You've Got Male!'"

It was one of those warm afternoons, so typical of summer, and everyone was wearing their club-approved walking shorts and short sleeve golf shirts. Suddenly, a commotion ensued on the 10th tee. At least a dozen club golfers had left the practice tee to watch a well-endowed blonde as she was about to tee off. Not being used to such a commotion, the course Marshall steered his golf cart over towards the tee, and it quickly became apparent what was causing this unorthodox gathering of club members. The voluptuous blonde, in her brief, yet acceptable attire, had her right br*ast fully exposed. The Marshall quickly headed over to the tee, and stated to the blonde in no uncertain terms, "Pardon me miss, but you can't tee off in that attire." "What's wrong with my attire, sir?", she replied. "Well, it's your blouse," he stammered, apparently embarrassed. "What's wrong with my blouse?" she replied seriously. "Well, it's not exactly your blouse. You're not wearing a br*, and your blouse is open. Your right bre*st is completely exposed," he stammered. The blonde looked down at her blouse, obviously shocked, and quickly glanced over towards her empty golf cart. Panicked, she cried out, "Oh my God, I left my baby on the 9th Green."

Till next time, keep LOLling.

A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis. The woman who answered the door asks, "What are you?" He replies, "I'm a fireman!" "But you're only wearing a glass jar?" says the woman. "Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!"

Diarrhea's hereditary. It runs in the jeans!

It was the first time that had made love. They were fondling each other int*mately. She had his don* in her hand. "What do you call it?" she asked. "Some guys call theirs Dick or Peter, John Thomas or Willie. What do you call yours?" "I don't have to call mine anything," he replied "It usually 'c ums' without being called."


Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing s*x, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on."

A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?" "Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother. The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the as* off his secretary."

Till next time, keep LOLling.

Mom took little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his pen*s.

Doc. said, "How did such a thing happen?"

Johnny said, "It's that damn neighbor girl, Suzy. Her braces are too darned sharp."

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The town drunk sent his son, Little Johnny, to fetch him some gin from the local bar. Little Johnny told bartender that his Dad wanted some gin.

The bartender, winking at his customers, said, "There are three kinds of gin, hydrogin, nitrogin, and drinking gin. Which kind does your Dad want?"

Little Johnny said he didn't know but would go ask.

The bar patrons had a good laugh at bartender's cleverness. When Little Johnny returned the bartender said, "What did your Dad say?"

Little Johnny replied, "My Dad said to tell you that there were three kinds of turds, musturd, custurd, and you, you big shit".

≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠

Little Johnny goes for a long week-end with his uncle, a farm owner.

One evening, as Uncle Fred and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of-breath Little Johnny who shouts out, "Uncle Fred! Come quick! The bull is fuc*ing the cow!"

Uncle Fred, highly embarrassed, takes Little Johnny aside, and explains that a certain amount of decorum is required. "You should have said, 'the bull is surprising the cow' - not some filth picked up in the playground," he says.

A few days later, Little Johnny comes in again as his aunt and uncle are entertaining. "Uncle Fred! The bull is surprising the cows!"

The adults share a knowing grin.

Uncle Fred says, "Thank you Little Johnny, but surely you meant to say, "the cow, not cows". A bull cannot 'surprise' more than one cow at a time you know."

"Oh yes he can!" replies Little Johnny, "he's fuc*ing the horse!"

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Till next time,keep smiling.

While touring an Indian reservation in North Dakota filming a documentary, Barbara Walters was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the head dresses. So, she asked a brave who only had one feather in his head dress. His reply was: "Only have one woman. One woman, one feather." Feeling the first fellow was only joking she asked another brave. This brave had two feathers in his head dress. And he replied: "Me have two women. Two women, two feathers." Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a head dress full of feathers, which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your head dress?" The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said: "Me Chief, me sleep with 'em all. Big, small, and tall, me sleep with 'em all." Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung." The Chief said: "You damn right, me hung, big like buffalo, long like snake" Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile!" The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style..... me sleep with 'em all." With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear." The Chief said: "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast."
------
A young virgin marries a Greek man and before the wedding her father tells her that, being Greek, her husband may ask her to turn the other way in bed one day, but that she doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to. Sure enough, after a couple of months, her husband asks her to turn over and she says, "No, my father said I don't have to do this." Her husband says "OK, that's fine by me, but I thought you wanted children."
----
"I'm in love with my sheep," the nervous young man told his psychiatrist. "Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog we are very attached to." "But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel physically attracted to my sheep." "Hmmm," observed the doctor. "Is it male or female?" "Female, of course!" the man replied curtly. "What do you think I am, GA Y?"
----
Till next time,keep LOLling.

Hi all! I've been a tad busy the last few weeks, so,wasn't able to be as regular as I'd like to be. Anyway, with another resolve to be more regular, here goes this post. Have some great laughs!

Billboard: Santa comes but once each year.

The third-grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class: "Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow, and everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." She explained this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by
changing the last line from 'the lamb was sure to go' to 'the lamb went with her.' A few days later, she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Little Harry raised his hand and said, "Mary had a little pig - An ornery little runt. He stuck his nose in Mary's clothes and
smelled her little . .." He stopped, turned to the teacher, and asked, "Do you want poetry or prose?" "Prose." the teacher said weakly. So, Harry said, ". .. Knees. Poetry would have been Toes."

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb!"

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest tells her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her
blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse." "But Father, I have a divine right," she says. "Yes, I see," he says. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse
to enter this church!"

A guy cuddled up to his wife and softly whispered into her ear: "Could we make love, please dear?" She rolled over away from him. "Not tonight, darling, I've got a splitting headache," she replied rather tersely. Too ho*ny to read the obvious signals the husband pleaded.
"Please, honey. I'll only stick it in for a minute" "What do you think I am," his wife retorted, "a fuck*ng microwave?"

Confucius Says, "Man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink."

He said, "If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house, we could fire the maid as well." She said, "Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me properly we could do without the gardener, too."

The doctor got her in the stirrups and spread her legs. Then the doctor said, "Oh My God!!! In my all of my career, I have never seen such a huge vag*na!!... huge vag*na!!" She said, "Doctor, I know it and I'm very self-concious about it. But you didn't have to repeat
yourself." The doctor replied, "I didn't. It was an echo!"

Anne's fine figure had been poured into a beautiful form-fitting gown and she made a point of calling her date's attention to it over and over again throughout the evening. Finally, over a nightcap in his apartment he said, "You've been talking about that dress all evening long. You called my attention to it first when we met for cocktails, mentioned it again at dinner, and still again at the theatre. Now that we're here alone in my apartment, what do you say we drop the subject?"

The voluptuous redhead was walking down a dimly lit street when a man jumped out of the bushes. "Give me your money," he demanded. "I d- don't have any," she managed to reply. "Give me your money or I'll search you!" he threatened. She repeated that she didn't have any, then gasped as he made a tentative search. "You'd better give me your money now," he said menacingly, "or I'm going to rally search you!" "But I don't have any!" she protested, almost in tears. So he really searched her. "I guess you were on the level," he finally muttered angrily. "You don't have any money on you." "For heaven's sake," she wailed, "don't stop now. I'll write you a check."


While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion, she answered...' Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive.'

Men who take Viagr* for a couple of years, have a problem-their wives begin taking their har*-ons for granite.

While on a date in a dark movie theatre, Mary Jane's date slipped his hand down her br*. Mary Jane just laughed and laughed. She knew she kept her money hidden in her shoe.

Some people are music lovers. Other can love without it.

Two well-dressed, matronly women entered the business office and approached an executive. "Sir," said one, "we are soliciting funds for the welfare and rehabilitation of wayward women. Would you care to donate?" "Sorry," replied the exec, "but I contribute directly."

Bargirl job interviews: They give you a br* and say: "Here, fill this
out."

A little girl raised her hand during a biology lesson and asked if her
grandmother could have a baby. The teacher was a bit surprised at the
question but answered that the grandmother was too old to have babies.
"So what about my mother?" asked the girl. The teacher said that it
was possible, but that her mother was probably getting too old to be
having babies as well. "Well, then could I have a baby?" she wanted to
know. "Goodness no!" said the teacher, "you are much too young."
"See!" said a voice from the back of the classroom, "I told YOU you
didn't have anything to worry about."

Little Johnny was visiting a cousin of his in New York during the
winter. He and his cousin went outside to play in the snow. After
about an hour, his aunt called them back inside and had them remove
their galoshes and gloves. Little Johnny's aunt was a tall voluptuous,
woman who would warm her son's hands by putting them between her
thighs. So as usual, when her son came in from playing in the snow,
she asked if his hands were cold, to which he replied "yes". She then
put them together and stuck them between her warm thighs. After a few
minutes, she asked "are they warm yet?" and the little boy said "yes".
Little Johnny watched his friend and waited his turn. His aunt then
asked him if his hands were cold, to which he replied, "yes". So she
took his hands, put them together and stuck them between her thighs.
After a few minutes she asked if his hands were "warm yet" and he said
"yes". So she took them out. Little Johnny continued to stand there
with a sly grin on his face. When his aunt asked "well what is it now,
Johnny? What's wrong? Johnny looked up at her and replied "my peter is
frozen stiff!"

The lesb*ans next door asked me what I would like for my birthday. I
was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex It was very nice of
them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

Till next time,keep smiling.:)

College is like a woman You work so hard to get in, and nine months
later you wish you'd never come.

In the middle of harvesting, one of the farmhands had to obey the call
of nature. He went to the edge of the field and started to pee. Most
unfortunately, he was stung by a bee right on the tip of his p*nis.
The pain was unbearable, but he remembered a piece of good advice. He
went to the farmer's house and put his p*nis in buttermilk. At that
moment, the farmer's daughter walked in. Her face red, she stood
perfectly still looking at him. "Have you never seen one of these
before?" the farmhand asked. To which the girl replied, "Yes, but this
is the first time I've seen one being reloaded!"

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis
ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into
the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the
pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde
standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's
that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. "Tennis ball," came the
breathless reply. "Oh," said the blonde sympathetically, "that must be
painful, I had tennis elbow once."

A guy walked into the doctor's office wanting a an appointment for
some surgery. "Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty
receptionist asked. "I'll need the information for the doctor." "It's
rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a large and
almost constant er*ction." "Well, the doctor is very busy today," the
receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."

Till next time, keep LOLling.

A salesman knocks at the door and a young boy answers. The little boy says, "Please be quiet, sir. My mother is a pr*stitute and works all night. She sleeps during the day." The salesman scratches his head and says, "Well, I'll be a son of a b*tch" The little boy replies, "I'm a bast*rd myself, but I don't go around ringing people's doorbells and
telling them about it."

One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office. "Veronica, I just don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?" "Oh, my God!"
her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic s*x!" "What should I do?" asked Gloria. Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress."

Till next time, keep LOLling.

The difference between a counterfeit dollar and an anorexic prostit*te
is that a fake dollar is a phony buck.

A woman strode angrily into the large drug-store/general-store,
slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her
dissatisfaction. The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your
cat eat them?" The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do
you mean to tell me that 'Pus*y Treats' are meant for 'cats'?"


Once upon a time, there was a sperm named George who lived inside a
famous movie actor. George was a very healthy sperm. He'd do push ups
and somersaults and limber himself up all the time, while the other
sperm just lazed around doing nothing. One day, one of the sperm
questioned George and asked why he exercised all day. George
explained, "Look pal, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant, and when
the right time comes, I'm gonna be that one sperm!" A few days later,
all the sperm could feel themselves getting hotter and hotter. They
knew the big swim was imminent. Moments later, they were released
abruptly and, sure enough, George was swimming far ahead of all the
others. Suddenly, George stopped in his tracks, turned around, and
began to swim back with all his might. "Go back! Go back!" he
hollered, "It's a blow job!"

An old couple were sitting in their rocking chairs on the verandah and
the old guy leaned over and said to the woman "Fuck you". She rocked
back and forth for a bit then leaned to him and said "Fuck you too".
They rocked on in silence and some 10 minutes later she leaned over
and said "I don't think much of this oral sex, do you?"

The typical male's idea of foreplay is a half hour of begging.