Hi,there...sorry,been just a bit too tied up lately...haven't been writing regularly on my other blog as well.:)

So,here we go with the laffs:
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Only 2% of blondes are touch-typists, the rest are hunt'n peckers.

This guy comes back home from work to find his wife has left him a note "Off to the grocery store". He hasn't been "getting any" from her, so he decides this is his chance and goes to the video store to rent a po*n flick. He puts the video in, and starts mast*rbating. He's about to climax when all of a sudden his wife comes in, drops her grocery bags, runs over and gives him the bl*wjob of his life. Then she collects all the bags and goes to the kitchen. The guy is sitting there, stunned, amazed at what just happened. After a couple of minutes he regroups and goes to the kitchen where he finds his wife chopping tomatoes. He asks her: "We haven't had s*x for over five years and all of a sudden you come in and blow me. What happened?!". To which his wife replied: "I just washed the floor this morning. I would rather go brush my teeth than to have to clean the floor again."

John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?" "It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her." "Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law." "Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pre*nant."

I call my husband, "The Postman" because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

Paranoia: I was sitting at a table in a fancy restaurant, WHEN a well endowed waitress with a low cut uniform reached in front of me and said, "Does my PARANOIA?"

I had just finished delivering the mail when the resident of Apartment 16 can running after me angrily waving an envelope in the air. He said, "Look at this letter. It is addressed to 'Animal Lover!'" I said, "So?" "So? How in hell do these people know about my se*ual preferences?"

These days, the only real "safe s*x" involves going out with a man who's impotent.

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked the class for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on Little Mona, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Mona," replied the teacher. She then called on Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny...

Last night, during supper, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, just f*%@# beautiful!"

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator."

"Very good, that's a big word."

The second boy says, "Predator."

"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss."


After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my Dad knows a lady named Nancy that has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT SEX:

At any Given Moment:


FACT:
79,000,000 people are engaged in s*x - right now.
FACT:
58,000,000 are kissing

FACT:
37,000,000 are relaxing after having s*x.
FACT:
1 old timer is reading e-mails.

Amuse yourself. Points are awarded on a degree of difficulty basis. You
can award yourself extra points for creative execution.


ONE-POINT GAGS

Run one lap around the office at top speed

Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'no Player' must be in the bathroom at the time)

Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye"

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"

Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way"

Walk sideways to the photocopier.

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.


THREE-POINT GAGS

Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.

Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it"

Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)

Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.


FIVE POINT GAGS

At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.

Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".

After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and utter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again".

In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".

Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."

Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.

How to take care of your wife:

In the world, one single rule applies to the men: Make the Woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

-- You make the bed (+1)
-- You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
-- You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
-- You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
-- In the rain (+8)
-- But return with Beer (-5)
-- You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
-- You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
-- You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
-- You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
-- It's her pet (-10)


SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

-- You stay by her side the entire party (0)
-- You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
-- Named Tina (-4)
-- Tina is a dancer (-10)

HER BIRTHDAY

-- You take her out to dinner (0)
-- You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
-- Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
-- And it's all-you-can- eat night (-3)
-- It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can- eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)


A NIGHT OUT

-- You take her to a movie (+2)
-- You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
-- You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
-- You take her to a movie you like (-2)
-- It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
-- You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

-- You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
-- You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
-- You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
-- You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION

-- She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
-- You hesitate in responding (-10)
-- You reply, "Where?" (-35)
-- Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

-- When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned _____expression (0)
-- You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
-- You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
-- She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert .
During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.


The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women out here. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.'


The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.
Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down & when he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it here?'

'No sir.. Says the utterly bewildered Sergeant.. 'They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are'.


Moral of the story :-
If you are not sure of doing things, don't be ashamed to ask for clarification before do

Hi there- another long break in between...no excuses..:)

Sidney has a problem with prem*ture ej*culation, so he pays a visit to a s*x shop for a remedy. The clerk hands him a little purple can and says, "This is Stay-Hard spray... put on a little and you can go all night!" Excited, Sidney takes it home, stashes it in the cellar on a shelf, and waits eagerly for bedtime. Later that night, he sprays some on his member and then goes upstairs to his wife. To his utter disappointment, however, the remedy seems to make him org*sm quicker than ever. The next day, Sidney returns to the s*x shop, angrily slams the can down on the counter, and snaps, "This stuff makes me worse than before!" Upon reading the label, the clerk asks, "I don't suppose your hid this stuff on your basement shelf, did you?" "Yeah, so?" "You must have grabbed the wrong can, sir. This is Easy-Off."

Jack was nimble. Jack was quick. So, Jill preferred the candlestick!

A woman sought help from her doctor. "All my husband does is complain that I never want to have s*x with him," she said. "And he's right too. I have no desire at all." The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks. After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office. "Those pills were great Doctor, I'm doing it twice a night now, sometimes even three times." "That's wonderful," said the doctor, "What does you husband say now?" "I don't know, Doctor," she replied. "He has been away on a business trip for the past two weeks."

A little boy didn't go to school one day. The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said "Our cow was on h*at, so I had to take her to the bull". "How disgusting," said the teacher? "I'm sure your father could have done that." "No ma'am, he couldn't have. It has to be the bull."

This bloke walks into an outback bar with a big crocodile and sets it on the bar. He asks the barkeep for a beer, and opens the crocks mouth, sticks his c*ck in its mouth and drinks his beer. The bartender is amazed. The bloke pulls his c*ck out, and asks the bartender, "Do you want to try it?" "No," says the bartender, "I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long."

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are riding in an elevator from the 14th floor to the lobby. The redhead notices a spot on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a c*m stain." The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a c*m stain," she says. The blonde leans over and tastes the spot, then says, "Well, it's nobody from this building."

Till next time, keep LOLling.

It had taken him several months, but the exec had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have s*x with her that way. "And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home. "Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."

The worst thing you can say to a man who complains that his wife is frigid is, "No, she isn't!"

Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole as their older sister is making out with her new boyfriend. They hear her say, "Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has gone before!" The six-year-old says to his brother, "He must be scre*ing her in the a*s!"

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no s*x life at all. (Rodney Dangerfield)

An elderly couple was sitting on the out porch when the husband turned to his wife and, "Muffin, I feel like making love tonight" The wife replied, "Ok Ernest, I will let you, but be gentle this time." "But I am always gentle with you, dearest," "That's not true, she replied, "The last time you woke me up twice!"

id you hear about the new high school course? Intercourse. You go between periods and you are expected to come.