Bargirl job interviews: They give you a br* and say: "Here, fill this
out."

A little girl raised her hand during a biology lesson and asked if her
grandmother could have a baby. The teacher was a bit surprised at the
question but answered that the grandmother was too old to have babies.
"So what about my mother?" asked the girl. The teacher said that it
was possible, but that her mother was probably getting too old to be
having babies as well. "Well, then could I have a baby?" she wanted to
know. "Goodness no!" said the teacher, "you are much too young."
"See!" said a voice from the back of the classroom, "I told YOU you
didn't have anything to worry about."

Little Johnny was visiting a cousin of his in New York during the
winter. He and his cousin went outside to play in the snow. After
about an hour, his aunt called them back inside and had them remove
their galoshes and gloves. Little Johnny's aunt was a tall voluptuous,
woman who would warm her son's hands by putting them between her
thighs. So as usual, when her son came in from playing in the snow,
she asked if his hands were cold, to which he replied "yes". She then
put them together and stuck them between her warm thighs. After a few
minutes, she asked "are they warm yet?" and the little boy said "yes".
Little Johnny watched his friend and waited his turn. His aunt then
asked him if his hands were cold, to which he replied, "yes". So she
took his hands, put them together and stuck them between her thighs.
After a few minutes she asked if his hands were "warm yet" and he said
"yes". So she took them out. Little Johnny continued to stand there
with a sly grin on his face. When his aunt asked "well what is it now,
Johnny? What's wrong? Johnny looked up at her and replied "my peter is
frozen stiff!"

The lesb*ans next door asked me what I would like for my birthday. I
was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex It was very nice of
them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

Till next time,keep smiling.:)

College is like a woman You work so hard to get in, and nine months
later you wish you'd never come.

In the middle of harvesting, one of the farmhands had to obey the call
of nature. He went to the edge of the field and started to pee. Most
unfortunately, he was stung by a bee right on the tip of his p*nis.
The pain was unbearable, but he remembered a piece of good advice. He
went to the farmer's house and put his p*nis in buttermilk. At that
moment, the farmer's daughter walked in. Her face red, she stood
perfectly still looking at him. "Have you never seen one of these
before?" the farmhand asked. To which the girl replied, "Yes, but this
is the first time I've seen one being reloaded!"

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis
ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into
the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the
pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde
standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's
that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. "Tennis ball," came the
breathless reply. "Oh," said the blonde sympathetically, "that must be
painful, I had tennis elbow once."

A guy walked into the doctor's office wanting a an appointment for
some surgery. "Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty
receptionist asked. "I'll need the information for the doctor." "It's
rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a large and
almost constant er*ction." "Well, the doctor is very busy today," the
receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."

Till next time, keep LOLling.

A salesman knocks at the door and a young boy answers. The little boy says, "Please be quiet, sir. My mother is a pr*stitute and works all night. She sleeps during the day." The salesman scratches his head and says, "Well, I'll be a son of a b*tch" The little boy replies, "I'm a bast*rd myself, but I don't go around ringing people's doorbells and
telling them about it."

One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office. "Veronica, I just don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?" "Oh, my God!"
her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic s*x!" "What should I do?" asked Gloria. Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress."

Till next time, keep LOLling.

The difference between a counterfeit dollar and an anorexic prostit*te
is that a fake dollar is a phony buck.

A woman strode angrily into the large drug-store/general-store,
slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her
dissatisfaction. The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your
cat eat them?" The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do
you mean to tell me that 'Pus*y Treats' are meant for 'cats'?"


Once upon a time, there was a sperm named George who lived inside a
famous movie actor. George was a very healthy sperm. He'd do push ups
and somersaults and limber himself up all the time, while the other
sperm just lazed around doing nothing. One day, one of the sperm
questioned George and asked why he exercised all day. George
explained, "Look pal, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant, and when
the right time comes, I'm gonna be that one sperm!" A few days later,
all the sperm could feel themselves getting hotter and hotter. They
knew the big swim was imminent. Moments later, they were released
abruptly and, sure enough, George was swimming far ahead of all the
others. Suddenly, George stopped in his tracks, turned around, and
began to swim back with all his might. "Go back! Go back!" he
hollered, "It's a blow job!"

An old couple were sitting in their rocking chairs on the verandah and
the old guy leaned over and said to the woman "Fuck you". She rocked
back and forth for a bit then leaned to him and said "Fuck you too".
They rocked on in silence and some 10 minutes later she leaned over
and said "I don't think much of this oral sex, do you?"

The typical male's idea of foreplay is a half hour of begging.

The first woman recruit in the Army reported for duty and was told that although her quarters would be in a separate building, she was to mess with the men. It wasn't until four weeks later that someone finally told her that meant to eat her meals with them.

A woman came screaming into the local police station shouting, "I've been graped! I've been graped!" The policeman on duty stared and said, "Madam, do you mean you've been rap*d?" "No," she said, "there was a bunch of them!"

The young novice nun soon realized that the absence of s*x in the convent was a problem. She confessed to Mother Superior that it was unhealthy and she was restless. "Comfort yourself with a candle," she was advised. "I've tried that," she said, "But you get tired of the same thing wick in and wick out.

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?" The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What?" and the man repeats his gestures "EYE-KNEE-THE RAKE". The wife replies that she understands and signals back - she first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What the heck was that?" She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH."

Till next time,keep LOLling.

One Friday evening, he struck up a conversation with one of his very attractive female co-workers in a bar. One thing led to another and they wound up back at her apartment making passion*te love. Through it all, she kept screaming, "Etay! Etay!" The man thought this must mean "great" or "excellent" or something similar. The next morning, he went out to play a round of golf with his new friend who was also one of his co-workers. They were on the 9th hole where the friend scored a hole in one. Excited for his friend, the man decided to employ the one Japanese word he had learned the previous night. "Etay! Etay!" he shouted as he jumped up and down. Puzzled, his friend asked, "What do you mean 'wrong hole'?"

It looked warm and dark, and juicy and inviting. I wasn't sure just what I wanted to do with it. I carefully pulled it apart with my fingers to look into it better. I knew how great it would be if I just started eating it. But I decided to put ketchup on my burger.

Little Johnnie's father has to come to school to talk to the teacher. Teacher: "Sir, I'm sorry, but your son does absolutely nothing at school, he fails every subject!!" Dad: "Except for drawing, he's a very good drawer." Teacher: "That's correct, last week he drew a tiger on the chalk board and the kids were so frightened I couldn't get them to enter the classroom!" Dad: "That's nothing, last month when he drew a pus*y on the stove, I burned my di*k three times!!"

Till next time, keep LOLling.

A young boy of four was going into the hospital to have his tonsils removed. He told his playmate, "I'll be gone for awhile, I have to have surgery." On the day he was admitted his mother asked the doctor, "Could you please circumc*se him while he is asleep?" The doctor agreed. The boy woke up and was very sore down there for several days. After about a week he got to see his playmate again. The playmate informed him that he was also going to have to have his tonsils out
soon. He asked him to tell him about the surgery. The little boy replied, "All I can tell you is your tonsils ain't where you think they are."

Tired of a listless s*x life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgas*?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

Till next time, keep LOLling.

Teacher to his student: Give me the opposite of this sentence:
"Children in the dark make mistakes." Student: "Mistakes in the dark make children."

It was the first time that had made love. They were fondling each other intimately. She had his dong in her hand. "What do you call it?" she asked. "Some guys call theirs Dick or Peter, John Thomas or Willie. What do you call yours?" "I don't have to call mine anything,"
he replied "It usually comes without being called."

Did you hear about the blonde who had two chances to get pregn*nt? She blew it both times!

A grandfather went to visit his grandson at the dorm. Grandpa was astonished to see that his grandson was living a life of sin and corruption.... as shown by the very high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway.... "In my day," Grumbled Gramps" We would hang a horseshoe
over the door for good luck and then study late into the night hoping to pass our exams." "But grandpa," replied the grandson. "That IS a whor*'s shoe."

A college professor in an art class asked his students to sketch a picture of a na*ed man. As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches, he noticed that one of the young ladies, a striking young thing, had sketched the man with an er*ction. Slightly
flustered, the professor said, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way." She replied, "What other way???"

Till next time, keep LOLling.

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why, she said, "Because I am trying to examine you."
===
A man walks into a sp*rm bank and declares, "I'm of royal blood and an I. Q. of 165, I'd like to make a donation". The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room. 20 minutes later the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?"
"I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?" The nurse replied, "I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute..." She gets on her knees and begins to blow him. "I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the cap off the jar!"
====
A man brought his date back to his apartment, ripped both their clothes off and then said, "I'd like you to meet my little friend." The woman took a look, gathered her clothes and said, "Call me when he grows up."
====

King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about
leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the
Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining
his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to
come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something.

A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the
good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity
belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening.
How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered
workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his
most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then
inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a
small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can
leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting
Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he
assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their
trousers for an informal "short arm" inspection. Sure enough! Each and
every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of
them except Sir Galahad.